| ..Steal Away The Darkened Pages, Hidden So Shamefully... |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
|
|
.:.It's.A.Very.Very.Mad.World.:.
|
|
|
| Long time. |
[05 Feb 2007|11:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
It's been awhile since I have had the need to write, or express anything in my life. Things are changing for me and the main problem is that I am afraid of change. The people that I figured were the closest to me bailed out; and now I am left with the few good people left, questioning why is this town so damn doomed. It feels like ignorance, immaturity, and lack of intelligence is the main barrier stopping people from saying and doing the right things. Petty drama has consumed Daytona, warping it into a wannabe soap opera with nothing but drama for the main attraction. It's okay and I'll allow people to satisfy themselves by returning to the middle school stage, but the reality behind is that everything in this world is a fake smile, only asking for something in return. Whatever happend to "good people"? what every happend to the please and thank you's ? The comfort a friend would bring to you, the heart and effort placed out for no reason...Maybe thats why I can't find a decent guy, a trustworthy best friend, a pro and liable co worker. It's sad to say that everything my roots grew on is gone, but its true. I'am relieved to stand naked and singled out, because no noone has the ability to use their stupidity to bring me down. People must feel so part of something, that they forget the sadistic taste it leaves in their mouths. Respect is gone, and love for one another died 30 years ago. If I could rewind to restart in the golden era, maybe I would have the chance to put my thoughts out for those who actually cared. Judgement is the only thing keeping people alive because the enjoyment of analyzing someone is somehow their form of entertainment. Yes analyze me , place me in your genre of bullshit. I will walk away because it's easier to walk then to stand on one foot. I no longer believe in being controlled by my friends either. I refuse ever to listen to someone try and tell me what kind of PERSON I am. I know what person I am, who I am, what I want to do, and what MY thoughts are. Nothing is orginal, everything I had emotionally and personally was stolen by my past friends. People are so concerned with what everyone else is doing, and how to become the center of it; that they forget that life is about figuring it out on your own. Noone wanted to do that, noone wanted to start out on their own. Ground zero is a cold place, but to build it independently is the most rewarding statement anyone can own. If hands never become lent, and respect never becomes born.. then who are we ? What are we even doing here ?
SITTING IN GODS WAITING ROOM
thats all this state is... all the stupid people waiting for their excuse to drink their life away. Your dumb.. your dumb for sitting and waiting for life to be handed to you. You are a poor excuse for a life, a waist of air.. and consume your time with petty bullshit because your unhappy about yourself. Misery loves company and thats a shitty thing.
don't ever become my company though, because I will move far from you
Fuck off daytona.
|
|
|
[08 May 2006|09:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
atreyu |
] |
the air is never dry
as the city falls asleep
days bleeding into night.
prom was awsome
ill post pics later
i feel different from myself
i think i know why
but i dont want to admit
i feel like i am someone else
just numb
i feel numb
like i have so much emotion that it just went numb
i like things that i shouldnt
|
|
| fuck best friends |
[17 Apr 2006|09:33am] |
so when did best friend changed to
replacement.
cause thats what ive been.
i leave for how long for mass?
and now my prom plans are ruind ?
thanks.
I always knew you'd be like that.
once again i see the trust and love in ppl
...it equals to shit.
|
|
| baby.. |
[17 Apr 2006|09:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
again and again-jewel |
] |
I hate being sober sometimes
it makes the day go by so fast
I just want time to stand still
everything around me to just stop
and look around.
Ive been trying forever to fix something but I dont know what it is
I just want everything to stop
so I could just look at it for a little bit.
i want to feel a smile for eternity.
im happy and im so sad because its making my life seem so short.
it feels amazing to just look at nothing sometimes.
im happy
ive never been so happy
it's just pure happiness.
|
|
| wow |
[31 Mar 2006|05:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wonderwall |
] |
IM SICK
it sucks
i have tonsilitis
and a temp of 102
:-(
ive been having bad dreams again too
where i wake up in the middle of the night and just cry
i dont know why
im scared of alot of things and i feel like noone can help me
i really need help.
i dont feel like seeing my dead grandmas house either
and i dont feel like putting up with shit again
im so tired of life
i wish i could just quit life
wheres the applicatoin form for quitting life
cause im sick of it
p.s my dress is getting replaced YAY
|
|
| EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND ITS SUNDAY |
[28 Mar 2006|10:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
oasis/greenday |
] |
everyday i wake up.. and its still the day after next. I dont kno what to think about it. and what i miss. im still competeing with myself. Im in a race against myself. And both of us are loosing.
i dont kno what to do
where to go
i still smell polo
"whatevers in my eye wont go away
the radio is playing all the usual
and whats a wonderwall anyway ?"
converse..converse
converse
ahhh
no im not insane i promise
..i think
God DAMNIT
I HAVE A JOB THO
i work at kahana grill
yeah well i still want april 13
god please give me april 13
|
|
| WTF I WROTE THIS SHIT WHEN I WAS 8 |
[21 Mar 2006|03:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my chemical romance |
] |
" THIS WAS YOUR WIFE"
" THIS WAS YOUR LIFE"
"AND YOU KILLED IT WITH A KNIFE"
"YOU TOOK YOUR CHANCE"
"AND BURNED IT WITH ROMANCE"
- Klara at the age of fucking 8
my dad sat me down and read me shit I wrote when I 8
...I never realised how fucked I am.
I need help.
someone help me
please ?
|
|
| Im missing your laugh, how do you plead? |
[10 Mar 2006|10:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
underoath |
] |
I really hope your as happy as your pretending. I dont think i should go up for break anymore. I dont think anything im doing is even making sense. Maybe its the low self esteem the ex brought. But i dont think im going to find hapiness for awhile.
I wanna believe so bad that what he tells me is true
I want to so bad that i cry about it
It would make me so happy to look into someones eyes and they genuwinly wanted me to be happy.
i cant be selfless anymore. but I cant be selfish.
what am i going to do?
heres the choice:
(a) go to mass
(b) stay in daytona
(c) move to alaska and live in a hut.
....yeah so i dont know wtf im going to do.
and i dont care anymore. because noone sat and took the time to actually see that i have some real issues and that noone will be able to fix them.
i dont like my past
and i dont like my present
and i dont like my future so far.
i dont like anything about myself or anyone else
i think humans are disgusting and degrading
and noone and nothing can change that, except for the pureness of someone heart. and so far ive learned that peoples hearts lie just as much as their heads do.
:( im tired of not knowing what to do.
my heart says go to mass but my head says , " no no no , your going to get hurt people are all the same"
no matter what i do, no matter what people think of me, no matter how pretty , thin or blonde i can TRY and make myself.. IM NOT HAPPY
im not good enough
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH
and i want to be the best and im not the best, im second liked, im always a second away .. and that second feels like a million years.
what should i do? what am i going to do ? what are people going to do ?
what is this world going to do?
is this life nothing but millions and millions of digital information that causes nothing but heart break and torture?
such a emo and cliche thing for me to say..but what is cliche except for the truth :-(
" YOUVE DONE THIS WRONG , ITS TOO FAR GONE..IVE GOT REGRET"
|
|
| STONEY THE BEAR |
[02 Mar 2006|10:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
underoath |
] |
I never thought I would make it out alive...
"I admit..that im just a fool for you"
this diet is blowing cock.its hard to continue it...but i wanna make sure i look my best for bikini season lol..i get to go up half way too for spring break .. 3 days here in the lovley daytona beach...and the rest up in mass to chill with the old crew.. so many good memories there and prob so much weed
ahh
..its going to be good to go back to mass for a bit..
im wicked stoned right now tho in 2nd..
on a sadder note.. my grandma die..i loved my gma alot and she was my last grandparent i had left..so mymom is out of town for 10 days for the funeral and that means im home alone for 10 days with 200 dollars... sucks kinda cause i was upset bout gma..but i mean she was almost 90 ..and i think shes is in a better place...
i duno maybe this week off will help me get ready to live on my own after next year...
im out tho
pce nigs
|
|
| FUCK |
[17 Feb 2006|10:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
YES YOU FAGS I AM ONE BIG FAKE, THE FAKEST PERSON YOULL MEET.. YOU KNOW WHAT.. FUCK YOU !!
WHO I AM IS WHO I AM , AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, THEN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF CAUSE I AM NOT SOME DUMB FAKE PLASTIC ASS BARBIE.. AND IF YOU HAVNT FOUND THAT OUT BY NOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM
YOU PEOPLE SICKEN ME .. YOU MAKE ME SO FUCKING SICK IS NOT EVEN FUNNY
|
|
| Cause im broken , when im open |
[15 Feb 2006|08:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
project86 |
] |
I gave up, I tried finding the posibility for someone new to fall for
but nothing but gayness again
now i know why i stayed away from guys
now i know why i never trusted neone
cause everyone is a liar
noone is worth it
everyone is scum..
even i am
humans dissapoint me
all of them
|
|
| IVE BEEN ABUSED, IVE BEEN USED |
[02 Feb 2006|10:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my black dahila- hollywood undead |
] |
you fucking think what u did was right
you think denying the shit that happend is alright?
you think you can call me a liar ??!!
my tears are dried up now
and my fears are over now
I CAN LEAVE WITH MY HEAD DOWN
youll never make it on your own.. and i hope you crash and burn.. just like i did.. just like you made me.
"USE TO BE LOVESTRUCK"
"NOW IM JUST FUCKED UP"
|
|
| ITS OVER |
[01 Feb 2006|10:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
AHHHH STFU |
] |
" i wish i never said i loved you , everytime i fucked you"
WTF ITS OVER ITS OVER ITS OVER ... WHY ?
its stupid really
the shit that has been said
the people who THINK they know
JOE and i are over, and specially a week away from our one year.
yeah happy fucking v-day to me
i wish i could take all the blame all out on her for the breakup.. but she hasnt done anything
and the past was past. But if those plans were never made....
and if he never decided it was okay..HED STILL BE MINE.
Then this would never happend
I would not be crying .. missing cheerleading practices, not being able to cheer at my last game. Missing my pageant, .. all the things i enjoyed .. i cant anymore
because there is no joe at the end of the day
I dont know what i did wrong
except love someone so much
I dont care if people say ur damn cousins, i know the truth.
and i know that sex and feelings were involved in the past.
SHE should of put herself in my shoes
HE should of saw why i was upset
I should of never put up with the anger issues
The relationship was sick, and he made it worse while i tried to cure it with no medicine.
ITS NOT FAIR
i wanted to love him
I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM
I WANTED TO BE EVERYTHING HE NEEDED
now ima fucking number on a list.
Im shit
and why ??
OH THATS RIGHT FOR CARING
FOR LOVING
now i cant even be his friend .. because some gay fucker wants to lie and stretch out truth and publish personal conversations..
i did so much for him , i went from changing my life to quitting smoking and drinking and loosing half of my friends for one individual..and no my friends dont care if i quite or not .. but the only person who i wanted to see , kiss , or touch was him
not someone else.
so much is fucked up in this world
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE NO HEARTS
SO MANY PEOPLE ARE STUPID
AND IM ONE OF THEM , FOR TRYING SO HARD
i give up
LOVE IS FOR FOOLS
he never loved me
i was a fucking tool
FUCKING TOOL
i was a tool that got him laid
HAVE FUN AT UR FUCKEFEST 06 THIS SPRING BREAK JOE
hope u get herpes.
|
|
| creep |
[06 Jan 2006|10:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
creep-radiohead |
] |
everytime I listen to creep
it makes me think of /you\
and not the you that you think you are
such a differnt you.
your just like an angel
your skin makes me cry
you float like a feather
in a beautiful world
*I wish i was special, your so fucking special*
BUT I AM A CREEP
I AM A WEIRDO
...I dont belong here
.. I wanna perfect body
I wanna perfect soul....
YOUR SO FUCKING SPECIAL.
|
|
|
[07 Nov 2005|12:17pm] |
i saw skindred , HIM , and finch on thursday ... best time of my life .. hell ya !!!!
im wearing my band shirt joe bought me there today .. yessss i love HIM .. and that night was deff one amazing sweaty crazy night..
Happy =)
|
|
| weekend update |
[10 Oct 2005|12:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
this weekend was fun :
thursday night : me and jenna and burwell both drive around finding somehing to do when finding out burwells practice has been cancelled so we go see an old friend and haha well I light it up , haha jenna and her seeing the damn trolls.. lol. after that joe and eddy meet us at franks front row and we watch dericks band play , " breaking ground"
Friday- joe and i are fighting for about 75% of the night and finally he apologizes and we miss our movie with mauer and preston and head over to the octoberfest to meet up with lex.. but by the time we get there its too late so we all just rent a movie and go to the apartment
sat- saturday lex and i are suppose to go to the octoberfest but my phone sucks so me and chrissy go and find lex and courtany there and hang out the rest of the night with them 2 and with katie g, and erinn g, kayla , and say hello to some ppl who i havent even seen since like freshmen year ... so after all of that funness and my stomach full of fried dough , joe waits for me to get off a ride with kayla who is waisted and is screaming "this ride sucks" , lol wich was really funny and made me wish i did came drunk , but hesitated to. so after all the eximent of the october fest is done , we see joes little cousin louie and hang for a bit and then me and joe get ourselves ready to go home and watch movies and pass out
sunday- jenna, burwell and me both get ourselves ready to head over to fuel to see the band " irrational" play .. so we get there and find out the ticket price is deff 17 $ not 5 $ and so we need to use a credit card and find out .. they dont even take american expres.. so after all the bullshit jenna gets a call at 11 by the time we're all home now and its the bass player from the band , who is good friends with her and asks where she was and saying he could of gotten us all in for free.. so it a complete bummer and totally has just made the night an oxymoron ..
but in conclusion , another good night ... no partys for once actually lol and i had a good nights rest
sooo imma go now
bye ?
|
|
| ..mm |
[23 Sep 2005|12:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
i dont really fit , im kinda like the odd peice of the puzzle of life... sometimes its better if that peice of that puzzle just got lost under the couch or thrown away.
|
|
| God.. |
[11 Sep 2005|10:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 touched |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The T.V |
] |
well I reading the bible today , just to see if I could make any sence out of somethings in my life.. and this one page seemed to open up to me .. and all I could see was this :
God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.
- Matthew 5:8
I felt like I got it for once, Like it made sence why we sit in church, and we pray, that maybe I saw God in my own light
I believe in the Lored because maybe he believes in me ?
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sunsetstear's journal
